Monday, 13 May 2013

Give blood. It saves lives. Unless you're gay.. Then we don't want yours...

*Ahem* (stands on soap box, oh yes, it's that time again. Time to get my Milk on..)

A friend posted about giving blood tonight, and how she was a good person. I believe those that can give blood should give. It saves lives. I'm proud that she is being a responsible person and giving of herself so that other people may live, truly I am...

But! Every time I see this, or get a text message reminding me I've not given in an age or a friendly phone call, especially at winter time, I'm reminded that I'm tainted. Dirty. My blood, rich in iron, proteins lipids (of course) and assorted goodies is unwanted.. Did I live in the UK during 'the beef years'? No. My tattoo was ages ago.. No good friends, I'm a fag, and we fags are all dirty, disease ridden pariahs... 

People respond with shock when I tell them "hey good for you, but I can't". They are genuinely shocked when they learn that I can't give like they can... But the ARCBS don't advertise this little discrimination based on statistics from the 90s.. However, there are ways we dirty gays can give:

What's that? I can give blood if I abstain for 12 months? Awesome.. Wait, no.. Fuck off! Sex is fun!

Surely on your questionnaire you ask heterosexual people that donate if they practise safe sex? Wait, you don't? Hmmm..

You don't care if they're not monogamous? Interesting..

So what they're saying is it doesn't matter what I practice, or how safe I am, the fact that I don't go for the vag immediately makes me 'too risky'? Forgive me, I thought they screened all donated blood for HIV, Hep B/C, Syphillis etc, whoops we found HIV in a straight person's blood? Oh shit! Better ban them too!

I'm digressing into angry writing now so I think it's best I stop. I just HATE that I can't do this service to humanity because of who I am, not even for what I do or do not do... In general, we gays are a very socially aware folk, could you imagine the red gold pumping through our veins that would be needed, especially in winter? Yikes. And most homo's I know are like MAD fit, healthy as fuck.. ARCBS for shame.

Attached is an article from 2005. I present:http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/discriminatory-gay-blood-donor-ban-challenged/2005/08/02/1122748633535.html An old article, but 8 years later, this issue is still the same. Eight. Years. With no further discussion or amendment.. Marriage equality is all well and good, but it's hidden discriminations like these that piss me off.

Oh, and ladies? Don't have sex with bisexual guys or you're out too..

In conclusion. I'm pissed off that I can't save lives as they mention oh so sweetly in ARCBS advertising campaigns. I do hope that change comes soon, to help that along, I ask you look at this:http://www.change.org/en-AU/petitions/australian-red-cross-blood-service-overturn-the-ban-on-blood-donation-from-gay-men

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

A note on Resilience (but its always about me. Me, me, ME!)


So I’m sitting in my car at 9pm at night, driving back through the cold, dark forest that leads to Mendooran after the night of merry madrigals that is my choir rehearsal. It occurs to me that I have not blogged in a while, almost a year to be exact, and I think I have been quite selfish. Many people enjoyed reading what I had to say and I stopped writing. You people are telepaths right? If you want to know my thoughts just come on in to the scaryland that is my brainscape.

I have had several things over this period of time that have been worthy to post about, but for whatever reason my enthusiasm fell away and it became a maintenance job to blog regularly.

Now as I’m here driving I’m thinking to myself its time to get back into it and for some reason tonight on my own in the car I have an excellent stream of consciousness happening, so out comes to trusty recording app on my iPhone.

Today’s blog is about Resilience. Now, this is a big buzzword in the current educational climate. Resilience. Just read it. Now think about what it means to you. With bullying seemingly on the rise globally, or becoming epidemic, as the mass media would have us believe, it is leading to a definite increase in problems in kids everywhere, even at my school, both Primary and Secondary. At times it is a really unpleasant environment with many kids just plain unhappy. Unfortunately for me I’m one of those empathetic sorts that take on other people’s moods easily. So when everyone around me is negative and/or upset I tend to join them. So what I try and do, both within classrooms and in the playground is to try and make people happy. That’s just the way I’m wired.

We are now explicitly teaching kids in schools that you have to have resilience and along with that is self-esteem. To have the two is like having a glowing ball of energy within you sustaining you, which expands into a Harry Potteresque shield protecting you from the incoming bad stuff.

To be honest though, when I relate my story to the kids, I honestly don’t think I developed resilience until about half way through Year 12. Now I think about it more, so many wrong decisions I made in High School were as a result of avoiding bullies or trying to save face in front of my peers, as I felt pressured to conform to their norms.

Case in point: Year 9/10 Music. I shouldn’t have done it. I had no real talent in Music. I could compose a little, I could sing, but that didn’t help me and I just ended having a really shit 4 periods per week. The main reasons I picked Music were that I wanted to become better friends with some of the kids in Music (I know right, go back in time and slap myself) and that I actively wanted to avoid Drama because of a bully in that class. Having taught Drama now for 2 years (making up for lost time much?) I can safely say I would have enjoyed it and probably been quite good at it. But at the time, the idea of subjecting myself willingly to 4 more periods with this bully was a no brainer.

Now that I think a little more about it, when I had my big epiphany in Year 12, that “Hey, I’m not going to be seeing these people like EVER again in 6 months” moment along with the “Fuck those guys I like myself the way I am” revelation, things finally started looking up. I found self esteem, that inner spark was allowed to catch fire, and I developed resilience against anyone that wanted to bring me down. Granted it was 4.5 years into High School, but better late than never right? Nowadays, I’m 29 (yikes…). Call me ‘fat’ and I’ll be like “Yep.” (Pats belly). Call me ‘gay’ and I’ll be like “Der.” (Shows rainbow tattoo), call me ‘stupid’ and I’ll cop to that too. I admit I have no knowledge of sports, or cars, or politics or particle physics… I don’t know any of that shit!

I see the kids in my school and everything gets to them until some of them start to fray at the seams. Its heartbreaking that I can’t just give them some of my self esteem to give them a boost, or protect them from the onslaught of negative thoughts and feelings with my magical resilience bubble.

However, for as strong and resilient as a person that I am, I can still be wounded. For example, at work, most people are used to me being very loud, very extroverted, and very gregarious. Perhaps annoyingly so at times. Yet when I’m having a down day, or even just a flat day, where I don’t talk as much or keep more to myself, everyone seems to notice. Last week in 2 days 5 different people came up to me to ask me what was wrong, I seemed depressed, I “wasn’t myself”. One lady assumed something had happened to my Mother… I brushed them aside with assurance I was fine, just being pensive. I will admit when I get pensive I get more introverted and like to absorb myself in thought. Why do people assume that just because one day my flame is turned down a little (and no, this isn’t a Gay reference) that my Mum has died??

I then began to ponder further, why have I been so flat lately? I’m not depressed, I don’t think that its actually biochemically possible for me to get depressed as (ooh, kangaroo) I’m sure my neurons are perpetually soaked in serotonin… But I don’t know, lately I’ve been just a bit low and flat and I finally put my finger on it. Someone got inside my protective shield and slipped a knife in me, metaphorically speaking. This person wounded me and I haven’t been able to pick myself back up.

I’m not going to name names or use gender pronouns, but this person really kicked me in the guts emotionally. They came along when I was feeling pretty low and then they chose that point to drop another tonne of emotional shit on me. Now this person and I, who I thought were quite close, have lost what we had. It wasn’t even a fight, something spectacular that culminated in the loss of a friendship (love you, Joanna); it was the fact that my presence became offensive to them. No warnings, no “hey, you’re being a dick cut it out”, no “oh hey can you stop doing x, y, z” just “I’ve had enough, I need a break from you”.

Wow. How do you raise your resilient shield to that? How do I stop being me? I didn’t respond, I left and dissolved into thought but I’ve finally come to a conclusion as I sit here and talk to myself travelling through dark forests at 100 km/h. I was entitled to reply, I was entitled to get angry. But I couldn’t. I was stunned. I was hurt. Now, almost two months later, I’m still thinking on it. About what was lost and in particular how they other person probably doesn’t even know how this has affected me, or just simply doesn’t give a shit. They tell me to suck it up, get over it etc. etc. like I’m not allowed to have feelings or to be hurt.

Why the fuck not? Why do I have to always be strong? Why can’t I dissolve into a teary mess or have a rampaging bitch fit if the mood strikes? Why aren’t I entitled to that? It’s not masculine? Like I give two fucks about that in my limp-wristed world. You shouldn’t say harsh truths to friends? Well, pretty sure this friendship is irreparably harmed… I might have said something I would end up regretting? Ha! I regret saying nothing; letting them say their peace and acting like everything was resolved. Right now I am wallowing in regret!

It comes back to Resilience once again. This wound still stings. But I carry on. I have strength to continue, and the continued barbs from this person are harsh, but I carry on. This person, I don’t know why, but they seemingly can’t be happy for me, or let me enjoy success or recognition. Every time I get something to feel good about it’s immediately trodden upon. Why? Why do that to a friend?

The final answer is I guess we’re not friends. What we had is now dead and buried and what we’ve made since is ugly and sterile. I’m not going to bow to this person’s criticism; I am not going to let their scorn weigh upon me. Hopefully by writing this I have allowed some processing to occur and the healing can begin. I doubt the person I am writing this about will read this, but if they do, please know that it's not within me to hate. I miss what has been lost but I don’t think that we can hope to continue on as we were, if you want to discuss new terms of friendship, however, I am open to this.

Final thought to my readers. Go about your lives secure in the knowledge that you are an awesome person who is loved. You are a child of the Universe with as much power and potential as you can envision. Exude positivity like a palpable aura and turn away all the negative stuff people throw your way. If you get a person, like I have in both past and present, that seems intent on your destruction, turn their negative thoughts and emotions away and replace them with love for yourself. Be resilient.

End rant.

Monday, 8 August 2011

Teeheehee!

(Image from here)

Graphing lols.

Following on from my last post I did a little more reading and found this picture... Highly amusing.

(Image from here)

Equality is Mandatory

First of all, an apology. Both for the absence in my postings (I went through a perfunctory phase of introspection and even a little gloom) and in the current course of this blog's direction. It was not my intention for it to become a place where I write essays on the current state of affairs for same-sex attracted folk in Australia. It just seems that lately, it is these issues that gets my attention sufficiently enough to form strong opinion and makes me want to share my two cents.

The topic for today: Marriage Equality.

(Image from here)

After reading this article, exceptionally well written and poignant, I became inspired to share my views on same-sex marriage.

I do not know anyone that this currently is affecting in Australia. I do not know when/if it will ever affect me. I can, however, categorically say that should I ever chose to enter into marriage with another man and that choice be unavailable, I would fight the government with every fibre of my being.

That statement said, let me explore the issue a little. I'm 28 now, a few of my friends are married already, some are looking at taking the plunge soon. I had the overwhelming privilege of being involved in one of my best friend's weddings in the July holidays, and the weddings of my two sisters in the previous few years. Two male friends have tied their respective knots with their lovely wives, and another 3 or so close friends have found "the one" with which they want to settle. They get to do the grand wedding, or the escape to Fiji, but its their choice.

Another of my good friends, a fellow dandy camper, has been with his boyfriend (tangent: I HATE the word partner...) for several years now and they're experiencing the same heady bliss that comes with a stable long term relationship. Yet fundamentally, they don't have the same freedom to express their love for each other publicly, because our Government won't recognise their union. I am not angered by this, I am simply disappointed. I compare this to a gay couple I know living in New York City. They might not want to get married right now, but at least they can.

Time for some generalisations.

The article discusses some of the main points for anti-gay marriage proponents. I would like to expand upon some in this post:

1) Marriage is the sacred union before God of man and woman, bible blah blah. Horse shit. I attended the most sacred and beautiful pagan wedding/handfasting in the holidays. It was moving and it was recognised. Next!

2) Marriage is traditionally reserved for couples preparing for a family. Cough. Lets ignore people's right to choose whether or not they have kids. Lets ignore couples that can't have kids. Let's ignore the many different styles of family that can be found in any given street. Next!

3) Children require male and female figures in order to be healthy well adjusted individuals. Again, lets ignore the awesome jobs many single-parent families do... Not of all of them are "teen whore pregnant at 16, no father, living on crack" scenarios. To say that a kid is fucked in life because it doesn't have a mum and dad married is just plain ignorant.

Well, let me see, any valid reasons that same-sex unions shouldn't be recognised? People have asked, why is it so important? We were given de facto status we should be thankful. Again, I use the term "we" loosely here, you'll find as many apathetic GLBTIQ people as you will that are passionate for marriage. You'll even find many that don't want it because they see it as "heteronormative". To each their own, but I have an unwavering belief in and fundamental yearning for equality in all things. To be given de facto status but denied full access to marriage rights denies people so many things. It just adds to the social stigma that same-sex couples are second class and don't need to be fully accepted.

If you know someone this directly affects tell people your views. If your son, or niece or best friend's kid or those two guys down the street might one day feel the need to marry a same-sex partner we should be pushing for it! Tell your local politician of your views, sign those petitions, 'like' those Facebook groups. If you're lucky enough to not live in a seat where your federal member is a redneck and refuses to ask his constituents their views then good on you. If you are in the same situation as me, let them know. Mr Coulton, I am writing to you shortly.


I finish with a quote from the article:

This kind of silent segregation harks back to pre-civil rights movement America, as aptly put by Ellen DeGeneres, the gay American talk show host: ''Telling us we can't get married but can settle for a civil union is like a bus driver saying to a black schoolkid, 'I'll get you there if you insist, but you can sit at the back of the bus.' ''

End Rant =)


(Image from here)

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

The word of the day is Depleted.

So, it has been a few days since my last post. I do apologise. I really want to say horrible things about Fred Nile and the whole Ethics class thing, but I can't be bothered... I managed to stave off full-blown flu, but I still have the fatigue, the sniffles and the misery. Yesterday was a blast, but it was a long day. Here is the itinerary:

05.00 Wake up
06.00 Depart School, drive to Dubbo
07.30 Check-in
08.00 Fly to Sydney
09.00 Land in Sydney, catch a cab
10.30 Arrive Bicentennial Park
11.00 Awards ceremony
13.00 Walk around Olympic Park/Showground
14.00 Rivercat to Circular Quay
15.00 Walk around doing the tourist thing... Opera House, Bridge etc
16.00 Train to Airport
16.30 Check-in
17.00 Fly to Dubbo
18.00 Land in Dubbo, drive back to Mendooran
19.15 Arrive home

So yeah... Long.

I was exhausted this morning, but had to go to school for our Education day open day. I spoke on assembly about our award, we presented it, blah blah, had to stop myself from having a good old cough on stage from my crappy voice lately. Went to a lot of trouble to make my classroom presentable and have a great lesson running while it was "open classrooms" and no one came. One of the kids gave me attitude and refused to work, follow instructions, etc and gave me shit to big note himself in front of his mates, so I got him punished accordingly. And then I was just plain loathsome come home time and now I'm just resoundingly neutral.

Physically depleted.

Emotionally depleted.

Psychologically depleted.

Just plain ol' fucking depleted.

End Rant =|


Saturday, 30 July 2011

On 'playing gay' in a 'straight world'.

No, this isn't a post about me pretending to be something I'm not. The story of my life in the closet is far too broad (i.e. novel) to put in one post, perhaps piece by piece over time, it will be easier to swallow. Ergh, bad choice of words right there...

Anywho, trolling Samesame I came across this story:


An interesting read about things very current in my life:

The current state of queer policy in schools

Regional schooling and homophobia

Putting on kick-ass productions with gay characters involved.

Recently, Mendooran Central has decided that we are going to stage a production of "Two weeks with the Queen" in which one of the sub-plots involves a gay couple, one man suffering AIDS and the other watching him die. The storyline is both beautiful and topical. It calls upon the audience to appreciate a gay coupling as a normal and respectable thing. One man deeply in love with another. They are made to examine homophobia and social abandonment, the stigma of the disease and the trauma of loss. Very relatable, yes?

When it came to casting, the other teachers involved and I asked ourselves, would our kids be up to this role? On paper, it was powerful and moving, but in reality it would be very difficult for a teenage boy to play.

Our little community has three gay people in it, as far as I know. Myself, and a couple living out on a property, and by all accounts they are a very happy, stable couple. With such a small demographic, its no surprise that most of the kids at my school had never met an actual gay person before meeting me. Again, it is not surprising that when approached, the kids we thought would be up to it politely refused. Yet, to his credit, one student had the bravery to accept one of the roles and kudos to him, he will deserve every accolade that will come his way.

We had one gay down, now we needed another. Sadly, we couldn't get another. So we adapted the play, which is something mentioned in the article. We dropped the sick partner (he was only in two scenes after all), but we're still exploring that storyline to it's full extent, just with exposition (in the form of phone calls, writing letters) by the others characters that would have been involved. Non confrontational, but just as powerful. Leeton High dropped the Kurt character due to student disinterest in the role, and that's fine in my opinion. It is a big ask for a teenage boy to risk ridicule or questions about his own sexuality by playing a gay character. Why I ask? What is so bad?

As adults, we, well most of us, know that there is nothing wrong with being gay, lesbian, transgendered etc. etc. Teenagers however, they are full of stress and hormones and pressure and angst, they are generally so desperate to conform that the thought of being different utterly terrifies them.

The article discusses the lack of policy and structure for GLBTIQ students in rural schools, and that Leeton High doesn't have one. I can safely say that neither do we at Mendooran. Does this mean that we aren't supporting our kids any less? I don't think so. I'd like to think that by being a positive role model to any students "asking those questions" that they could come to me and I could either have a chat or refer them to where they could find more information. I don't know if any of our kids are gay or questioning, I have those I suspect of course, interestingly this boy was not one of them. Maybe there are kids out in the country for whom sexuality isn't an issue, I'm excited by that.

Now, what was the point of this post? Hmmm, damn you tangent Gods... Oh yes! Give the article a browse, it is very interesting. Being out in the country (pun intended) for 4 years now has afforded me a decent perspective on the state of education and queer issues out here, perhaps I am losing perspective on what is happening back in the Metro? More research is needed!

End Rant =)

(This beautiful image sourced from this foul website)